Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Kiss Muna

Pulis1: Pare alam mo na ba ang usap usapan
Pulis2: Bakit pare?! Anong balita?
Pulis1: May bading daw sa campo.
Pulis2: Sino daw pare?
Pulis1: Sasabihin ko. Pero, kiss muna!!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Sugar Free

Erap bumili ng chewing gum sa 7-11.
Erap : Etong bayad ko!
Cashier : Etong sukli nyo, sir.
Erap : Sukli lang! 'Asan 'yong libreng Asukal? Sabi dito sa gum wrapper,
SUGAR FREE!

Medyas

Pedro: Pare, magkaiba medyas mo, isang pula at isang azul!
Juan: Ewan ko nga kung saan nabili ng misis ko ito. May isa pa
nga akong pares na ganito rin and kulay sa bahay.

Alimasag

Nakaamoy si Ngongo ng pabango sa isang store.
Sabi ni Ngongo, "Ale, mango!"
Sabi naman ng saleslady, "Pabango 'yan, hindi alimango!"
Ulit ni Ngongo, "Ale, mango!"
Nag-agawan si Ngongo at ang saleslady sa pabango. Nahulog ang pabango at
nabasag.
Sabi ni Ngongo, "Ale, masag!"
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Kodigo

Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
Guro: Ano 'to?
Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma'am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!

Mga Kasabihan

"Hindi lahat ng 13 malas."

- 13th Month pay


"Anong akala nyo sa akin, mayaman?!

Nauubusan din ako ng pera!"

-ATM



"You never even thanked me for making you happy,

you just throw me away just like that...

I hate you you for using me,

for making my life full of s***"

-Toilet Paper



"Huwag po nating salubungin ang mga bumababa.

Hindi po natin sila kamag-anak."

-LRT Operator



"Napaka-unfair ng buhay sa mundo...

Bakit hindi ako pwedeng magmahal?!"

- Ukay-Ukay


Sunday, March 1, 2009

Laging Mali

Anak: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo!
Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali !
Lagi nalang akong mali !!!
Mali dito, mali doon!!!
'Di nyo ako mahal!
Ama: Nagkakamali ka anak?
Anak: Kita nyo! Mali na naman ako!!!

Saan Ka Galing?

Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang kanyang
misis na may katalik na lalaki sa kama .
Misis: (sumigaw) Saan ka GALING?!
Mister: Sino 'yang katabi mo?
Misis: Graabe ka! Huwag mong ibahin ang usapan!

Danktrak

Anak: 'Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANKTRAK!.
Ama: Ano 'yong danktrak?
Anak: 'Yon pong trak na sampu ang gulong na karga buhangin?
Ama: Tanga hindi danktrak 'yon... TEN MILLER!!!

Weakness

Sa loob ng Mall...
BF: Love, 'yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
GF: Ang pangit pangit naman!
BF: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since.

Papansin

Juan: Nakakaawa naman lola mo.
Pedro: Bakit?
Juan: Nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo.
Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
Pedro: Papansin lang yon!
Juan: Bakit?
Pedro: Bago kasi blouse niya!

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Pretty Or Ugly

Wife: Hon, am I pretty or ugly?
Husband: Uhm?.. both..
Wife: Anong both? Pwedeng pretty or ugly?
Husband: Ang ibig kong sabihin, you're pretty ugly.

Headache

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure
your headaches. The bad news is that it will require
castration. You have a very rare condition, which
causes your testicles to press on your spine, and
the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The
only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he
had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate
long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice
but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache
for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like
a different person. He could make a new beginning and
live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and
thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like
a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and
said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's
right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit.
It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and
then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's
see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business
60 years!" again the salesman answered.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe
adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...
9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you
know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the salesman replied.

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said,
"Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I
was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't
wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles
up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

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Bulol

Anak: Itay, asan po ang 'yong GRIEF ko?
Itay: Ikaw, bata ka! Hindi ka pa rin natututo! BRIEF, hindi grief!
Anak: Ahh... Ehh... Asan po, Itay, 'yong brief ko?
Itay: Ando'n sa kuwarto, naka-HAMMER!

Hearing

Sa isang pagdinig...
Judge: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
Erap: ??! ('di nagsasalita).
Judge: Sabi ko, ano ba talaga nangyari?
Erap: ???!! ('di pa rin nagsasalita).
Judge: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
Erap: Aba! 'Kala ko ba hearing lang to???
Bakit may speaking?

Pangarap

Juan: Ang pangarap ko po ay kumita
ng twenty thousand dollars a month.
Kagaya ng tatay ko.
Teacher: Wow! Ang laki pala ng suweldo ng tatay mo.
Juan: Hindi po. Pangarap po niya yon.

What Is Science?

Teacher: Okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
Pedro: Ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
Teacher: Okay Pedro, what is science?
Pedro: Science is our lesson for today, ma'am!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Sa Museum...

Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yong attendant nataranta.
Attendant: Naku sir, more than 500 years old na po 'yang vase.
Erap: Hay salamat. Akala ko bago!

Niloko

Pablo: Niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
Jun: Paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
Pablo: Nagpaload ako! Eh, wala naman akong celfon.


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Suporta

Divorced father: Anak, pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay
mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na,
huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support
tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng mukha niya.
Anak: Mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke,
last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako.
Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: Sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi
salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay!
Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng mukha niya!

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