Upuan

Noy Noy: Hindi ako magnanakaw!

Gibo: Ako din hindi din ako magnanakaw!

Erap: Ako babalik ako dahil hindi pa ako tapos magnakaw!

Villar: Ako din! Magnanakaw ako dahil malaki nagastos ko. Babawi na to.


GLORIA: Mga tanga wala na kayong mananakaw UBOS na.

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Ways To Know You Are A Filipino

1. You point with your lips
2. You nod upwards to greet someone.
3. You collect items from hotels or restaurants "for souvenir".
4. You smile for no reason.
5. You flirt by having a foolish grin in your face while raising your eyebrows repeatedly.
6. You go to a department store and try to bargain the prices.
7. You add an unwarranted "H" to your name, i.e. "Jhun," "Bhoy," "Rhon."
8. You put your hands together in front of you as if to make a path and say "excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of the TV
9. You like everything imported or "state-side."
10. You Check the labels on clothes to see where it was made before buying.
11. You always offer food to all your visitors.
12. You say "comfort room" instead of "bathroom."
13. You say "for take out" instead of "to go."
14. You asked for "Colgate" instead of "toothpaste."
15. You asked for a "pentel-pen" or a "ball-pen" instead of just "pen."
16. You order a McDonald's instead of "hamburger"(pronounced ham-boor-jer)
17. You say "Ha?" instead of "What."
18. You say "Hoy" to get someone's attention.
19. You answer when someone yells "Hoy."
20. You turn around when someone says "Psst!"
21. Your sneeze sounds like "ahh-ching" instead of "ahh-choo."
22. You prefer to make acronyms for phrases such as "OA" for over acting, or "TNT" for, well, you know.
23. You say "air con" instead of "a/c" or air conditioner.
24. You say "brown-out" instead of "black-out."
25. You have a portrait of "The Last Supper" hanging in your dining room.
26. You own a Karaoke System.
27. You own a piano that no one ever plays.
28. You own a "barrel man" (you pull up the barrel and you see something that looks familiar. schwing...)
29. You refer to your VCR as a "beytamax
30. You have a giant wooden fork and spoon hanging somewhere in the dining room
31. Your car has too many "burloloys" like a Jipneys back in P.I.
32. You hang a Rosary on your car's rear view mirror.
33. You order a "soft drink" instead of a "soda."
34. You refer to seasonings and all other forms of monosodium glutimate as "Ajinomoto"
35. This you 'll agree 100% ... Goldilocks" means more to you than just a character in a fairytale.

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Friends at Hunting

Three friends La Sallite, a UP stude, and an Atenean went on a hunting trip.

The first night, the guy from UP comes back to cabin with a big deer. The others ask him how he did it, and he cooly replies: "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!"
The next night, the guy from Ateneo comes back also with a big deer. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!" was the Atenean's story.
So the La Sallite decides to try it himself. But the next night, as he drags himself back to the cabin, his two companions find him bruised and bloody all over. "What happened?" they ask? "Well," replies the La Sallite, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! A train hit me."

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Where To Go To College?

If you have a lot of brains and a little money, go to UP.
If you have some brains and some money, go to Ateneo.
If you have no brains and lots of money, go to La Salle
If you have no money, go to PUP.

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Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

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Not Expected

Lester went off on a country trip, but had gone only three blocks before he realised that he had left his call cards on the coffee table. He went back home and quietly went into the house. His wife was at the sink in a filmy negligee. She was so inviting that he sneaked up behind her and put his hand on her breast. Without turning round she said:

"Just one litre will do today, thanks. Lester's away on a trip for the rest of the week."

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When Money Died and Went to Heaven

A 10 dollar bill, a 5 dollar bill, and a 100 dollar bill all die and go to heaven. God sees the 1 dollar bill and says he's been good, so he let him in. He also let the 5 dollar bill in for being good. When the 100 dollar bill went up to him, God said "Hmm, well I never see YOU in church."

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GMA jokes

Republika ng Peke
Peke nga produkto
Peke mga basketbolista
Peke mga gamot
Peke mga dokumento
Peke mga suso
at syempre
PEKE ANG PRESIDENTE.

GMA saved from near death. She asked the man who save her what reward he wants.
Man: Wheelchair po!
GMA: Bakit wheelchair 'di ka naman lumpo?
Man: Kasi po kapag nalaman ni Itay na sinagip kita, lulumpuhin niya ako!

GMA kidnapped by terrorist demanding 5 million ransom or will set her
on fire. Any donations appreciated. So far, 200 gallons of gasoline
received and still increasing.

GMA met Obama.
Obama: Our Filipino chef at the White House is truly great!
GMA: Yup! Magaling talaga kami sa “LUTUAN.”

Kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang scam!

GMA: hallow gracia!
GARCI: uy mother ever! na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva ek ek.
GMA: bonggacious! eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
GARCI: flatshoes! winnie santos mama, wiz na sori mama eclavou na ever! na chorva na!
GMA: ang tarushki! maldita ka talaga vruha ka! eh di windra na naman watashi?!
GARCI: anufi ate..
GMA: osha ba, matsala, may premyado ka iha!

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Bike Lanes

BF: Mam, pag na-install na ang mga BIKE LANES along EDSA, JOSE PIDAL
ang itawag natin. PGMA: Masyadong halata naman. Maganda kung BIKE
ARROYO!

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Use In A Sentence

Erap was asked by a gradeschooler to test his english ability.
Kids : Use Deduct, Defense, Detail & Defeat in a sentence.
Erap: (after 15 minutes of silence) DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE,
DEFEAT first, then DETAIL!!

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Stuck...

FVR: Sorry I'm late! Brownout! Na-stuck ako sa elevator for 1 hour.
ERAP: Wala 'yan! Ako 3 hours sa escalator...

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Effort

Anak: Itay baksak ako sa English recitation!
Tatay: Bakit, ano ba tanong?
Anak: Ano daw ba ang definition ng effort?
Tatay: Anak ano ka ba? ang b**o m o naman effort lang 'di mo pa alam... ang effort ay 'yong nilalandingan ng eroplano!

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First Man in the Sun

Russian: We are first to step on Mars.
American: We are first to step on Moon.
Russian-American: How About you Mr. Erap, What have you DONE?
Erap: Me? I'm first to step on SUN!.
Russian-American: But, we can't go to Sun its to hot in there?
Erap:(Naiinis pa) What do you think of me idiot? WE GO THERE AT NIGHT!

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Used in a Sentence

1. Use KITCHEN and CURTAIN in a sentence.
...Wag mo akong CURTAIN masa KITCHEN.

2. Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
...(phone rings).....Hello? Who
SCHOOLING?

3. Use AFFECT in a sentence.
...Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond
ring.

4. Use ADIEU in a sentence.
...If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill
you.

5. Use DECANTER in a sentence.
...You can order that medicine over
DECANTER.

6. Use DELETION in a sentence.
...The balat of DELETION is crispy.

7. Use DESPISE in a sentence.
...Who baked all DESPISE?

8. Use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a
sentence.
...I am looking for DIFFERENT of this
boy to get DIFFERENTIAL
consent so he can go to the picnic.

9. Use BORROW in a sentence.
...Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo.

10. Use CAESAREAN in a sentence.
...Lintek, anak, mag-ingat ka,
CAESAREAN mo iyang laruan mo.

11. Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence.
...Pare, ang dami-daming pagkain,
pero, ko-CONTEMPLATE.

12. Use CADET in a sentence.
...CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi.
Ngayon, ikaw naman ang
CADET niya.

13. Use BE COOL and I'LL BUY in a sentence.
...The tourist went to Mayon volcano
in I'LL BUY, BE COOL.

14. Use CARDIAC in a sentence.
...Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro
noong isang gabi.

15. Use CENTURION in a sentence.
...Na-CENTURION si Pedro ng tatay
niya dahil sa kalokohan niya.

16. Use DEDICATE in a sentence.
...Pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong
DEDICATE iyan.

17. Use DELICACY in a sentence.
...Bagal mo... DELICACY mahuhuli na
tayo.

18. Use DEPRECIATE in a sentence.
...Sister, DEPRECIATE already, kaya
pwede na tayong kumain.

19. Use DIFFUSION in a sentence.
...Brownout...siguradong DIFFUSION
pumutok.

20. Use LAITY in a sentence.
...Taga "laity" si Imelda Marcos.

21. Use MENTION in a sentence.
...Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang
MENTION.

22. Use ebonic word MOTHA' FUCKA' in a
sentece.
...Anak mag-ingat, ka baka MOTHA' FUCKA'.

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Lasing

Isang lasing nasalubong ang matabang babaeng may aso...
Lasing: Hoy, san mo nakuha 'yang baboy?
Babae: Aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: Wag kang sumabat! 'Yong aso ang kausap ko!

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Matapang

Pasyente: Doc takot ako sa bunot eh!
Dentista: Heto gamot pampalakas ng loob.
Pasyente: (uminom ng gamot)
Dentista: Matapang ka na ba?
Pasyente: Oo doc, 'pag may gumalaw sa ngipin ko gugulpihin ko!

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Nag-hire ng Driver

Pedro: Ba't ka malungkot,pre'?
Juan: Ang asawa ko, nag-hire ng driver, gwapo, bata at macho.
Pedro: Ba't nagseselos ka??
Juan: NAGTATAKA LANG AKO, KASI WALA NAMAN KAMING SASAKYAN EH!!!!

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A Dentist's Joke

Isang araw nagpunta si Maria sa Dentista. Pag upo sa silya biglang tinanggal ni Maria ang panty sabay bumukaka.

Nagulat ang dentista at sabi kay Maria: "Oi Maria, dentista ako, hindi ako OB-GYNE".

Sagot ni Maria, "Alam ko po Doc, pero di ba kayo gumawa pustiso ng mister ko, so please paki tanggal lang po!!!

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Parehong Lasing

Dalawang lasing ang nag-uusap sa bar.
Lasing1: Oi pare, ang gwapo mo!
Lasing2: Pare ikaw din.!
At malakas na halakhak ang lumabas sa bibig ng 2 lasing BwaHaHaHa.
Lasing1: Ang birthday ko, October 15 1984, ikaw pare kailan birthday mo?
Lasing2: Aba! October 15 din ako, at 1984 din 'yong birth year ko!
Lasing 1 at 2: BwaHaHAHa!
Lasing2: Pare, nagtapos ako ng high school sa Manila High. Ikaw pare?
Lasing1: Ha? Akalain mong don din ako nagtapos!
Eh ang name ng tatay ko ay Rudy at ang ang nanay ko si Maria.
wag mong sabihin na 'yon din name ng parents mo?
Lasing2: Pare, 'yon din pangalan nila! Ang apelyido ko Pascual, sa 'yo
Lasing1: Pascual din pare, pareho tayo! BwaHaHaHa!
(narinig sila ng bartenter at binulungan nya ang katabi nya)
Bartenter: Tol', 'yong kambal na Pascual lasing na naman.

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Magic Mirror

There is a magic mirror in the Malakanyang Palace that when you say a lie infront of it a magical hand will slap you in the face.

First, Jules Ledesma tried it. He said, "I think I am the tallest person in the whole Palace." A hand came out and slapped him on his cheek.

Then came Gloria Arroyo who said, "I think I am the most beautiful woman in the whole Palace." The same story, a slap on the face.

Later, Erap Estrada came because he heard the magical power of the mirror and wanted to try it out... He said, "I think...", before he could even finish his sentence, he found a big red slap mark on his whole face.

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