Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen." "This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me." "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!" "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." "I was doing Yoga exercises...

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Madamot

Juan: Oys, ano yan? Pinya? Pahingi naman dyan. Pedro: Pahingi? Nasaan ka noong nagbubungkal ako ng lupa sa ilalim ng init ng araw? Nasaan ka noong nagtatanim ako habang kumukulog, kumikidlat at bumubuhos ang malakas na ulan? Nasaan ka noong oras na nag-aani ako na nagkalat ang maraming ahas sa dadaanan ko, noong naghihirap ako sa pagpasan ng pinya? Nasaan ka? Juan: Nakakulong kasi ako noon! Nakapatay...

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In A Bar

A gorgeous lady was sitin alone in a bar. Guy: Hi There! The lady ignored him. Guy: You caught my atenti0n as i enter the bar, is it ok to get your nember? Lady: If you have a BMW, a house in boracay , millions of peso bank account and 7 inches penis, then you can get my number. But I guess you do not have it, so my answer is no! Guy: I do not have all those, I just have a FERRARI, an ISLAND...

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Common Sense

Isang bata, nagpasa ng blank paper sa art teacher..a Teacher: Bakit blank ang work mo? Bata: Nagdrawing po ako ng baka at damo. Teacher: (tinignan ulit ang papel) San ang damo? Bata: Ubos na po,kinain ng baka. Teacher: (kamot sa ulo) Eh nasaan yong baka? Bata: Ano pa gagawin ng baka dyan, eh wala ng damo? syempre umalis na po. Common sense naman mam!...

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May Tatlong Bampira sa Bar

RICH VAMPIRE: Oorder ako ng fresh blood. ORDINARY VAMPIRE: Sa akin isang order na dinuguan. POOR VAMPIRE: Hot water na lang sa akin. WAITER: Bakit hot water lang po.? POOR VAMPIRE: Nakapulot kasi ako ng napkin sa kanto. Mag-tsa tsaa na lang ako... Hahaha...

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Katawan Lang

Isang magasawa ang dumulog sa korte para magpaannul. Judge: Ano ang dahilan para kayo magpaannul? Babae : ( Nagsalita habang nakayuko ) Your honor, katawan lang ang gusto niya sa akin. Judge : Anong pruyba mo? Babae : ( Nakayuko pa rin ) Tuwing nag love making kami tinatakpan niya ng towel ang mukha ko. Judge : Ikaw Mister bakit mo ginawa yun? Mister : No comment your Honor. Just see for yourself. Misis:...

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Mahal ako ni tatay

ANAK: 'Tay! Sino mas mahal mo, ako o si nanay? TATAY: Syempre ikaw anak... ANAK: Kaya pala kapag madaling araw, ako po ay kinukumutan niyo at si nanay naman po ay hinuhubaran niyo... sweet niyo talaga 'tay, a lab u.......

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COMPLETE VERSION

Dad: Anak bili mo ko soft drinks. Anak: Coke o Pepsi? Dad: Coke! Anak:Diet o Regular? Dad: Regular! Anak:Bote O Can? Dad: Bote! Anak: 8 oz. o Litro? Dad: Punyeta! Tubig na lang! Anak: Natural o Mineral? Dad: Mineral! Anak: Malamig o Hindi? Dad: Hampasin kaya kita ng walis? Anak: Tambo o ting ting? Dad: Animal ka! Anak: Baka o Baboy? Dad: Layas! Anak: Ngayon o bukas? Dad: Ngayon na!!! Anak: Hatid mo...

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Call Girl

Misis1: Lolokohin ko ang mister ko kunwari isa akong call girl. Misis2: O sige game ako dyan! Nakita ni misis1 c mister... Misis1: Hello boy pwede ka ba ngayon? Mister: Ayoko nga sa yo kamukha mo misis ko! ...

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Nakakasalat

Sakristan: Father, may libangan din ba ang mga Pari? Pari: Oo, naman, pag dating ng hapon, kaming mga pari dito sa bayan ay naglalaro ng Mahjong. Sakristan: Bakit po naman Mahjong pa ang napili niyong laro? Pari: Kasi, dito lang kami nakakasalat ng flower, Iho...

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Panalangin

Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na nanalangin sa Diyos. Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung piso dahil gutom na gutom na po ako." Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang habag ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi:...

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Pasahe

Sa Isang Jeep Pasahero: Mama, magkano po yong pasahe? Driver: 7 pesos yong minimum. Pasahero: (Dumukot ito sa bulsa para kunin yong pera niya, ngunit sa 'di sinasadyang dahilan kulang yong pamasahe niya.) Patay, kulang 'tong pera ko. Paano kaya ito? (Nag isip ito at lumingon sa driver. Napansin niya na duling ito. Sabi niya sa kanyang sarili, tama duling 'tong driver sigurado 'pag nagbigay ako...

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Ano daw?

Mga Holidays... Q: ano ang holiday para sa mga nanay? A: mothers day Q: ano ang holiday para sa mga tatay? A: fathers day Q: ano naman ang tawag sa holiday ng mga buntis? A: e di, labor day! Q: ano ang tawag sa holiday para sa mga binata? A: Palm sunday!!! Misis Q: Bakit mas matataba ang mga may asawang lalaki kaysa sa mga walang asawang lalaki? A: Kasi ang mga walang asawang lalaki, pag-uwi, titingnan...

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Dictionary for Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries , washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond...

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Rules For Women

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down. 2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 3. Sometimes we are not thinking...

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Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: 1. I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. 2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper...

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Upuan

Noy Noy: Hindi ako magnanakaw! Gibo: Ako din hindi din ako magnanakaw! Erap: Ako babalik ako dahil hindi pa ako tapos magnakaw! Villar: Ako din! Magnanakaw ako dahil malaki nagastos ko. Babawi na to. GLORIA: Mga tanga wala na kayong mananakaw UBOS na...

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Ways To Know You Are A Filipino

1. You point with your lips 2. You nod upwards to greet someone. 3. You collect items from hotels or restaurants "for souvenir". 4. You smile for no reason. 5. You flirt by having a foolish grin in your face while raising your eyebrows repeatedly. 6. You go to a department store and try to bargain the prices. 7. You add an unwarranted "H" to your name, i.e. "Jhun," "Bhoy," "Rhon." 8. You put your...

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Friends at Hunting

Three friends La Sallite, a UP stude, and an Atenean went on a hunting trip. The first night, the guy from UP comes back to cabin with a big deer. The others ask him how he did it, and he cooly replies: "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!" The next night, the guy from Ateneo comes back also with a big deer. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got...

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Where To Go To College?

If you have a lot of brains and a little money, go to UP. If you have some brains and some money, go to Ateneo. If you have no brains and lots of money, go to La Salle If you have no money, go to PUP...

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Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"Nancy patted down the...

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Not Expected

Lester went off on a country trip, but had gone only three blocks before he realised that he had left his call cards on the coffee table. He went back home and quietly went into the house. His wife was at the sink in a filmy negligee. She was so inviting that he sneaked up behind her and put his hand on her breast. Without turning round she said:"Just one litre will do today, thanks. Lester's away...

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When Money Died and Went to Heaven

A 10 dollar bill, a 5 dollar bill, and a 100 dollar bill all die and go to heaven. God sees the 1 dollar bill and says he's been good, so he let him in. He also let the 5 dollar bill in for being good. When the 100 dollar bill went up to him, God said "Hmm, well I never see YOU in churc...

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GMA jokes

Republika ng PekePeke nga produktoPeke mga basketbolistaPeke mga gamotPeke mga dokumentoPeke mga susoat syemprePEKE ANG PRESIDENTE.GMA saved from near death. She asked the man who save her what reward he wants.Man: Wheelchair po!GMA: Bakit wheelchair 'di ka naman lumpo?Man: Kasi po kapag nalaman ni Itay na sinagip kita, lulumpuhin niya ako!GMA kidnapped by terrorist demanding 5 million ransom or will...

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Bike Lanes

BF: Mam, pag na-install na ang mga BIKE LANES along EDSA, JOSE PIDALang itawag natin. PGMA: Masyadong halata naman. Maganda kung BIKEARRO...

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