Wednesday, March 11, 2009

So you want a divorce?

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."


The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"


The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"


The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."


Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!

Don't mess with them!!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Acknowledge

Konsehal: Paki acknowledge si Mayor. Late dumating, hayun kararaan lang!
Pedro (Emcee): I WOULD LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE LATE MAYOR WHO JUST PASSED AWAY.

Pilot and Brunette

A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette
and when they finished they headed to a hotel.
He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine.
When it arrived he put some red wine on the
brunettes lips and started kissing her. She asks
what the red wine is for and he replies, "For when
I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says.
A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone
and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later,
he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her t**s.
She asks what the white wine is for and he replies,
"For when I have white meat - I have white wine."
Eventually he works his way down to her cunt,
pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match,
sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire.
"Aaahhhhhhh, why the f*** did you do that!?!"
she yells. The pilot replies, "For when I go down,
I want to go down in flames."

Nanalo

Erap in 3rd grade came home shouting.
Erap: Itay! Nanalo ako ng pahabaan ng ari.
Ama: G***! Pa'no ka di mananalo?! Eh bente anyos ka na!

Sa Bakery

Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba! Sosyal ka, ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake. Eto pandesal!
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Birthday ko kaya today!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Bumps

Pedro bumbs an american...
Pedro: Ay sori!
Foreigner: Sori 2!
Pedro: Sori 3!
Foreigner: What are you sori 4?
Pedro: ('kala mo bobo ako,huh) Sori 5!
Foreigner: I think you are SICK!
Pedro: (Natawa pa) hahaha! Sick daw, SIX Ogags!

Doc Talking to Moms

Doc to 1st Mom, "Mahilig ka sa sweets, so you named her CANDY."
Doc to 2nd mom, "Mahilig ka sa pera, so u named him PENNY."
3RD MOM tumayo, "Let's go DICK! Bago tayo mainsulto dito!!"

Love Never Dies

2 lovers plan a suicide. Boy jumped first.

Gal closed her eyes n returned back saying: Love is blind.

Boy in air opened his parachute saying: Love never dies.


Pilipino President

Noong si Marcos ang Presidente, laging sinasabi "MABUHAY ANG PILIPINO."
Noong si Cory na, "TAYO'Y PILIPINO."
Noong si Ramos na, "TAAS NOO PILIPINO."
Nang si Erap na, "MABUHAY CASINO PILIPINO!"

Friday, March 6, 2009

Lowbat

Juan: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
Pedro: Hindi eh! Ano ba pare?
Juan: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

Q and A

Question: What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Answer: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.

Feeling

In a disco a woman approaches a man...
Woman: Hey, marunong ka bang mag-swing?
Man: (flattered) Ba't mo nga pala naitanong?
(smiling) Mukha ba akong dance instructor? (giving her a wink)
Woman: Hindi 'no! Mukha ka kasing unggoy!

Bamboo...

"If you care for your lady friends, advise them not to marry men from
Las Piñas. Because, they have "bamboo organs."

Paniki

A black baby is given a pair of wings by a fairy...
Baby: Does this mean I am an angel???
Fairy: (laughs) Of course not! 'Tong negrang 'to!
Ambisyosa! PANIKI ka!!

Papalit

Employee: Boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit
don sa pwesto ng manager natin na kamamatay lang?
Boss: Ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung
papayag ang punerarya.

In A Party

In a party, a handsome guy approached a girl and asked;
are you going to dance??
The girl felt so happy that someone finally asked her and she said,
"yes" and the guys said "that's good, can I have your chair??"

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Historical

Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare, baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical?
Man1: Hindi, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"

Pulis at Intsik

Pulis: Boss konting abuloy lang, may namatay na pulis.
Intsik: Ako malaki migay amuloy masta alaw-alaw melon pulis paktay oke.

DNA

Reporter: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence,
witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Atty: DNA na...
Reporter: Sir, ano po 'yong DNA?
Atty: Di Namin Alam...

Featured Post

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: 1. I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hai...